Dinosaurs and Ethics

‘Giggling Bandits’ Not as Attractive as Previously Thought

Fri, 9 Mar 2007 20:57:55 -0500

ATLANTA, GA – In a bizarre twist to the case of the ‘Giggling Bandits,’ the teens responsible for robbing a local Bank of America branch are in fact not nearly as physically attractive as authorities were led to believe.
“We were under the impression that the girls who held up this bank were slim, pretty, and generally quite attractive,” said Cobb County Police spokesman Wayne Delk. “However as it turns out, our impressions of the suspects couldn’t have been further from the truth.”

Busted.
Dubbed “Barbie Bandits” by some Atlanta media, Ashley Miller and Heather Johnston were disguised by only sunglasses when they robbed the bank branch. The surveillance camera captured an image of two young, well dressed and lighthearted girls who casually laughed and smiled as they held up the bank teller.
However the community of this affluent Atlanta suburb was shaken when the mug shots of the suspects, both 19, were released.
“When I first saw that video of those two girls, I was like, ‘Damn, they’re pretty fine. I hope they get away with it,’” said Acworth resident Michael Buttry. “But now that I’ve seen their mug shots, I think they should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”
The mug shots revealed that the girls once thought to be “kinda hot,” according to junior detective Andy Mitchell were actually slightly overweight, with skin blemishes and disheveled hair that was in need of color treatment.
Police are investigating how they could have been so deceived, citing the sunglasses as a possible culprit.
“I mean, I don’t know. Are the sunglasses to blame? We’ve had discussions with representatives at several sunglass retailers. How did those girls look so cute? These are questions we have to ask ourselves. The whole team is pretty confused,” stated Delk when questioned how two “ugly ducklings” could be mistaken for “a couple of Betties.”

The "super cute" bandits
“We’re also collaborating with photographers to discuss whether the lighting in the store had anything to do with why the girls seemed so attractive. I was as shocked as anyone when we caught the girls.”
Some in the community are concerned that the police have the wrong people in custody.
“Did you see that video?” asked Bobby Andrews, a former classmate of the suspects. “Those girls were totally slammin’! There’s no way that was Ashley and Heather. No way. “

Presidential Names

Fri, 9 Mar 2007 20:57:11 -0500

Six Presidential Cat Names
Garfield
George
Chester
Van Buren
Rutherford B.
William Henry Harrison
Six Presidential Girls Names
Madison
Taylor
Reagan
Kennedy
McKinley
Theodore

Super Bowl Lists

Fri, 2 Feb 2007 18:57:10 -0500

Adjectives John Madden Has Used To Describe Brett Favre
Great
Really Great
Just The Greatest
Adjectives John Madden Has Used In The Incorrect Context To Describe Brett Favre
Philathropic
Ambedextrous
Gutteral
Adjectives John Madden May Have Used To Describe Brett Favre If He Had A Larger Vocabulary
Nonpareil
Unmitigated
Stonehearted

Donovan McNabb's Favorite Chunky Soup Flavors
Steak & Potatoes
Beef with White & Wild Rice
Grilled Chicken & Sausage Gumbo
Baked Potato With Steak &Cheese
Salisbury Steak with Mushrooms and Onions
Herb Roasted Chicken Breast with Garlic and Potatoes
Chicken with Ham featuring Pulled Pork on Drums While Introducing Avocado Steak On The Keys

Terms of Endearment Women Use For Drew Brees' Hairy Birthmark
Brown Hairy Bean
Beanie Baby
Fur Bean
Hey, You've Got Some Dirt On Your Face Let Me Get That Off For You
How Do We Go About Removing It?
Brown, Furry, Hairy, Waning Gibbous Moon

Animals/Plants/Inanimate Objects That Scored Higher on the Wonderlic Than Vince Young
All of Sea World's Dolphins
A Panda Bear Named Wei Wei (pronounced way-way)
The Eiffel Tower
The wind
A Sequoia just south of Stanford
The Decemberists' Crane Wife CD
Tonya Harding
Io, one of Jupiter's moons
Stretched Canvas

Activities Around The Romo Household That Have Flourished Since Tony Took The Helm
Landscaping - Julio was old reliable, he worked well with bentgrass and bluegrass, but struggled when trying to integrate flashier flowers and plants. Also, his mobility has been in decline for half-a-decade now; it had gotten to the point where it took him two days to do the work as opposed to previous norm of one. Now, with Tony at the helm, the work gets done in half-a-day. The azaleas Julio struggled with are in full bloom and his topiery chess board looks crisp and neat.
Cooking - Sure, Greta was fantastic in that New England kitchen back in 1998, but the culinary times are always a-changin'. Whether it was the soup or bowl she chose to put soup in, something always seemed wrong, as if Tony wasn't going to get to that next level enjoyment-wise. Now, with Tony at the helm, he has put the three-plus years of incessant Food Network viewing to good use. He improvises new dishes nightly and with winning results.
Sex - Yes, her name is Jessica Simpson. And yes, technically she has got a bangin' body. But most would argue she has been on the slippery slope since Jets LB Mo Lewis broke her ribs in 2001. Now, with Tony at the helm, he gets exactly what he wants. He can call audibles on the fly. He's got hot routes all over the sheets. And most of all, he doesn't give up until he's scored.

Things Rex Grossman Thinks Before/As/After He Throws An Interception (One for every pick he threw this year)

·"I like it inside the pocket. It makes me feel safe. Like a warm and cozy living room. Or den. But more like a living room."
·"I have the first name of a dog and the last name of a Jew. If only I was Spike Goldberg."
·"Gosh, gummy worms are awesome. Especially when they are dipped in cocaine."
·"Lovie is such a great name. I'm going to name my first child, regardless of sex, Lovie. Maybe that's what's so great about it - the fact that it is a gorgeous unisex name."
·"I can always find solace in the fact that I was drafted ahead of and am way better than Dave Ragone."
·"Justin Timberlake was not kidding when he said he was bringing sexy back."
·"Whatever you do, Rex, don't forget the unsweetened butter at store later. You need it for the brownie mix."
·"It's been a while since I've had a season-ending injury. Maybe I should-self destruct."
·"What's that noise? It sounds like thunder...is it going to rain? No, the skies are clear. Oh, I think that's my tummy. Have I eaten yet today? " "What's that noise? It sounds like thunder...is it going to rain? No, the skies are clear. Oh, I think that's my tummy. Have I eaten yet today? Hm."
·"Eenie...Meenie...Miney...Whoops!"
·"I wish I was a Manning. Then I would be Rex Manning and we could celebrate Rex Manning day."
·"I've got a lov-a-ly bunch of coconuts, diddlee-dee..."
·"Here come the boo-birds. I wonder why they call them birds. I wish they actually were birds. Then I could just shoot up into the air and they'd all scatter and stop berating me."
·"Are you a mouse or are you a man, Rex?"
·"Man, sometimes life feels like a roller coaster." "That's deep." "Who said that!?" "Me." "Me who?" "Dude, the voice inside your head." "Oh, dang. What's up?" "Not too much. How about yourself?" "Oh, I'm just throwing a pass right into the strong safety's chest."
·"The profundity of this moment is underscored by the sheer ubiquitous-ness of it. Right now, there are at least six quarterback dropping back to pass. The chances of us all completing a pass are statistically mirrored by the chances of us all throwing an incompletion. The chances of just one of us throwing an interception, however, (while the others throw either completions or incompletions) are exponential given the amount of passes thrown. Also factor in the aggressiveness of each opponent's secondary and you are presented with the indelible fact that I am mere seconds away from tossing yet another pick-six."
·"I can't believe that girl called me a troll last night."
·"Man, Olin Kruetz's ass smells like lavender or petunias. Note to self: Ask Olin what brand of body wash he uses."
·"I think I would rather freeze to death than burn to death. I don't mind being cold. I would try really hard to fall asleep before my hands turned black, though."
·"Gosh, I really hope I don't throw a pick."

This is Not a List 2007!

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 11:01:09 -0500

Disclaimer: This is not a list. We went over this last year, remember? So let's get it straight, you are free to call this whatever you like just as long as you don't call it a list. We don't do lists. Never have, never will.
Now that we have that out of the way here is Dinosaurs and Ethics' list* of the Best Albums and Movies of 2006.
The 10 Best Albums of 2006
1. Boys and Girls in America, The Hold Steady - They clocked in at #6 last year, this year Craig Finn and the boys echewed hoodrats for your garden variety high school boys and girls...and it payed off with a #1 ranking.
2. Happy Hollow, Cursive - Not much about this album was happy. I wonder why they titled it...oh, wait...I see what they were doing. The happiness is hollow. All kidding aside, one of the few records that lived up to the anticipation I had for it.
3. Post-war, M. Ward - "To Go Home" is one of the sweetest songs to be committed to vinyl, er, compac-, er, digital thingamajigs.
4. The Body, The Blood, The Machine, The Thermals - According to these fellers, God got all Ollie Williams (of Black-U-Weather Forecast fame) on Noah by telling him simply that "it's gonna rain!"
5. Night Ripper, Girl Talk - Best Mash-Up Album featuring Elastica's "Connection" EVER!!!
6. Oh! Calcutta!, The Lawrence Arms - The only thing which would make these songs any sweeter would be if the band played in their birthday suits ala the show they borrowed the title from.
7. (tie) Rebels, Rogues and Sworn Brothers, Lucero & 12 Songs, Cory Branan - Sometimes I wish I was Drunk & Southern. Only sometimes. Usually it's when I'm listening to one these bands.
8. Sun, Sun, Sun, The Elected - This spot could have easily gone to The Elected's Rilo Kiley bandmate Jenny Lewis, but it didn't. I like the spunk of the sideman. Always have, always will.
9. The Greatest, Cat Power - Sorry, Cat. Your album will have to settle for being 9th greatest (of the year).
10. Everything All The Time, Band of Horses - If you told me Band of Horses was a supergroup comprised of members of The Shins, My Morning Jacket, and The National, I'd believe you.
The 10 Best Movies of 2006
1. Little Miss Sunshine - Seventeen words. Alan Arkin.
2. Children of Men - We like any movie that deals with the end of a species, because it reminds us of what the dinosaurs went through.
3. The Prestige - Dude, magic looks like a lot of hard work. Mad props to David Copperfield.
4. The Pursuit of Happyness trailer - I think I saw this trailer 413 times in theatres and without fail, it made me tear up every time. Brava! Trailer editor.
5. Babel - I did not see this, but Brad Pitt is hardly ever in anything not worth watching. And on top of that, he is one scintillating creature.
6. Half-Nelson - I did not see this, but Ryan Gosling is hardly ever in anything not worth watching. And on top of that, he is one scintillating creature.
7. Pan's Labyrinth - I did not see this, but that thing with eyeballs on his hands is hardly ever in anything not worth watching. And on top of that, he is one scintillating creature.
8. The Departed - I did not see this, but Jack Nicholson is hardly ever in anything not worth watching. And on top of that he is one scintillating creature.
9. Borat - I saw this. Would've been higher if the naked wrestling were between any of the aforementioned (ah, four mentioned?) sexy creatures.
10. United 93 - I did not see this, but have included it only because it won me money in my post-9/11-How-Long-Will-It-Take-Hollywood-To-Cash-In-On-9/11 pool. I had less than 5 years.

*Not a list. We've gone over this.

The Dinosaurs and Ethics' Holiday Gift Guide

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 23:42:21 -0500

Here at D&E we are well aware of the dearth of holiday gift guides available to the average shopper. Newspapers, magazine, websites – everyone seems to have weighed in on what to get the special people in your life. One complaint we have is that the categories they break the items into are just way too vague, i.e. Music Lovers, Computer Geeks, Cinemaphiles. Isn't everyone a music lover in some way, shape or form?

Here's what we suggest you run out and get for:
The Couple Who Wants To Go On The Amazing Race, Even Though Everyone Around Them Knows It Will Lead To The Demise of the Relationship
John Gray’s Women Are From Mars, Men Are From Venus
This will remind them that the reason they are constantly at each other’s throats is because they are actually aliens and not humans. And there really is no benchmark for how aliens should act in extremely unrealistic reality show situations.
Separate Gift Certificates
A good way to protect yourself against awkwardly giving a joint gift to a recently split couple. Get his from Best Buy and hers from Pottery Barn. It also makes you seem more attune to their individual needs than the ass that simple got them a joint Target or T.G.I. Friday’s gift card.
That Guy Who Constantly Looks Down The Tunnel For A Late-Arriving Train While Checking His Wristwatch, Expressing His Obvious Anguish Through Exasperated Out-loud Sighs
A Train Schedule
Although these are posted throughout the station, perhaps handing one to him and then mentioning that although the trains aren’t always on time, there is always one coming. Then kick him in the nuts, steal his watch, and roll him on to the tracks. That way he’ll be painfully aware of when the next train arrives.
The Kid Who Will Only Eat Chicken McNuggets
The Ingredient List
If this isn’t enough to dissuade him/her, make him/her watch What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, pointing to the television every time Gilbert’s mom is on the screen, screaming, “Is that what you want to look like, huh? All she ever ate was chicken nuggets. Now look at her. Don’t turn your head away. Look at her. That’s your future!!!” To further traumatize the youngster you may want to employ A Clockwork Orange-like eye lid retractors.
A 9-Year-Old Shih Tzu Named Gizmo
An Oversized Bone
Not only will "Gizzie" totally enjoy this tasty treat, but the comic effect of a bone twice the size of the dog gnawing on it will bring all observers a little holiday joy.
The Star Athlete Whose Child Your Having...Out of Wedlock
Um, I Don’t Know How About A Little Space, Some Breathing Room, For God’s Sakes Maybe Open Yourself Up To Discussing Alternatives, or rather, The Alternative to Childbirth
Don’t be selfish. This is not about you. That’s why they call it a gift.
The Gay-Bashing, Anti-Stem Cell Research, Pro-Life, Bill O'Reilly Loving, Al Franken Hating Neo-Con
Money
They have to bathe sometime.
A Cat-o-nine-tails
The kinkiest new fetish to hit the proverbial conservative sheets since the falafel maker, this gift will make this G.O.P.-er wet himself with glee (but mostly pee). It allows him to follow that twisted Opus Dei line of thinking and become a little closer to their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Joe Paterno
First off, congratulations on being inside JoPa's Christmas gift-giving circle – Lord knows we've tried to bestow him some electric socks, but the box in Penn State wrapping paper always arrives back at our doorstep marked "Return to Sender."
A Protective Bubble
Perhaps nobody has been made as painfully aware of Joe’s recent injuries than the ol’ coach himself, so we propose retrofitting the bubble Jake Gyllanhal wore in Bubble Boy for JoePa. If nothing else it will serve to remind people that Jake Gyllanhal was in Bubble Boy.
A Colostomy Bag
Somewhat self-explanatory. Coach Paterno isn’t getting any younger and we think his contract doesn’t expire until he does, accidents are going to happen.
TV on the Radio's Return to Cookie Mountain
You’d be surprised how indie JoePa is, he ghostwrites the blog www.RockRadioIsFuckedYall.com.
The Recently Divorced Former Dancer/Joke of Rapper Who Is An Overall Disgrace to Humanity
A Sugar-Mama
We’re talking about a woman way out of his league looks-wise whose standards of living have dropped precipitously in recent years. Someone like, say, a Britney Spears.
A Box of Condoms
With sterilization a somewhat inhumane and implausible (although completely deserved) option, we can only hope that condoms are strong enough to contain the feral sperm that Mr. Talentless emits.
A Three-Section Holiday Tin Filled With Cyanide Coated Buttered, C4-Infused Exploding Cheese, and Plain Ol’ Caramel Popcorn
Our money is on the “normal” caramel popcorn doing him before either of the other two. Have you ever seen these things? I believe they are actually unbreakable. You have better shot of injecting a baseball, seams and all, than getting one of these sucker down.
Women
This group is ridiculously easy to shop for; it's almost as infantile in nature. If it feels soft and warm to the touch, tastes good, or is shiny, you're in like Flynn, Neil Flynn.
You can't really go wrong with:
An Oversized Stuffed Animal
A Kay Jewelers Bed Mobile
An Oversized Chocolate Animal Speckled With Leo Diamonds Containing Within Its Hollow Shell An Oversized Stuffed Animal Wearing A Necklace of Priceless Fist-Sized Rubies Which Have Been Injected With Chocolate and Sprayed with Baby's Breath
The key to every woman's heart is only $14.5 billion away.

Things I Would Do To George W. Bush If He Was A Saltine Cracker

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 13:21:47 -0500

Crumble Him Into Piping Hot Chicken Noodle Soup
Stuff Him and Five of His Friends Into My Mouth, Creating a Worse-than-Desert Dry Environment, Where He'd Be Gnawed On But Not Killed Until A Full-Minute's Time When He Would Drown In A Flood of Mountain Dew
Spread Peanut Butter On Him As An Afternoon Snack
Use Him As A Spoon, Shoveling Par-Boiled Rice Into My Mouth, Occasionally Taking A Piece of Him
Impeach Him

Events That Have Occurred In The Over 100-Year-Old Apartment You Currently Reside In That You Rather Not Think About

Mon, 6 Nov 2006 02:45:22 -0500

Sex
Overeating
Pooping
Vomiting
Murder
Baby Talk
Sex (this time all over the hardwood floors)
Idol Worship
Old Timey Music & Dancing That Led to Old Timey Sex
Slave Storage
Some Kind of Satanic Ritual Involving Sex
The 80s
Asbestos Sex

Schwimmer's Lists

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 00:24:19 -0500

Schwimmer's Lists
Things David Schwimmer Thinks About During Sex To Keep From…Well…You Know
Chris De Burgh's "Lady In Red"
Joey
Grandmama Lufthnze's After-Cackle Coughing Fits
Super-Strength
Stuart Scott's Ever-Worsening Right Eye
The Word, "Philistines"
The Looking Glass Theatre's Financial Woes
Claymation/Stop-Motion Photography
The Deterioration of the Morals He Held in High School
John Madden Yelling, "Tough Actin' Tinactin!"
Matthew Perry's Perineum
Val Kilmer's Performance in Tombstone
How to Overarticulate
Corn Nuts

Things David Schwimmer Often Says That Cause Him To Not Want To Continue Having Sex
"The name is David. Ross is a fictional television character I used to portray. David. Dave. Davey. Anyone of those would have been acceptable. David! David Schwimmer! (awkward pause) You know what? I think I/you should go."

Until The Cows Come Home

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 00:23:36 -0500

Until The Cows Come Home
By Michael Lucas Pasternak
Like most non-mute people I sing in the shower occasionally. There is no real rhyme or reason for the songs I sing while soaping my unmentionables (cock and balls) though. Somehow a snippet of a lyric or some tune gets lodged in my mind and then my voice rises to be heard above the sounds of the falling water against my body. The song choices can be and usually are pretty atrocious. This morning I was singing Where Have All The Cowboys Gone by Paula Cole and I have no idea why. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm gay. I was all ready to bang my head against the tile shower walls to permanently erase the song from my memory when I realized that Paula had a valid question that I don't think has properly been answered. So I'm going to take a stab at it and tell her where I think the cowboys have gone.

Paula was originally asking the question in 1996. Ten years have passed and everyone knows that cowboys don't just stay around in one place. It's not the cowboy way (Not to be confused with this Cowboy Way). So where the cowboys are today is not where they were then. First I have to decide what exactly Paula meant by cowboys. I don't think she meant the Dallas Cowboys, but she could have. It is possible. She might be a huge Dallas Cowboys fan and was just wondering where their latest game was through the power of song. Well Paula, currently the Dallas Cowboys are getting ready for training camp in Oxnard, California to prepare for the upcoming season. Starting on July 29th and running for three weeks you can find the Dallas Cowboys there ritualistically bowing down to their supreme lord and savior Bill Parcells. All hail Bill. All hail Bill. Paula, as the Dallas Cowboys fan you are you must be hella-excited with the recent acquisition of Terrell Owens. He is certainly controversial, but what a player! And the abs on that guy! Anyways, this is where your Dallas Cowboys are going to be for the rest of 2006.
2006 Regular Season Schedule
DATE
OPPONENT (TV BROADCAST)
TIME
TICKETS
Sun 9/10
@ Jacksonville (FOX)
3:15 p.m.

Sun 9/17
WASHINGTON (NBC)
7:15 p.m.

Sun 9/24
BYE

Sun 10/1
@ Tennessee (FOX)
Noon

Sun 10/8
@ Philadelphia (FOX)
3:15 p.m.

Sun 10/15
HOUSTON (CBS)
Noon

Mon 10/23
NY GIANTS (ESPN)
7:30 p.m.

Sun 10/29
@ Carolina (NBC)
7:15 p.m.

Sun 11/5
@ Washington (FOX)
Noon

Sun 11/12
@ Arizona (FOX)
3:15 p.m.

Sun 11/19
INDIANAPOLIS (CBS)
Noon

Thu 11/23
TAMPA BAY (FOX)
3:15 p.m.

Sun 12/3
@ NY Giants (FOX)
Noon

Sun 12/10
NEW ORLEANS (FOX)
Noon

Sat 12/16
@ Atlanta (NFLN)
7:00 p.m.

Mon 12/25
PHILADELPHIA (NBC)
4:00 p.m.

Sun 12/31
DETROIT (FOX)
Noon

What's that, Paula? You didn't mean the Dallas Cowboys? You're a Steelers fan? I see how it is now. You like your winners. Don't worry, Paula. I know where some other cowboys are. Students at the University of Wyoming and Oklahoma State plus many other colleges are called cowboys. So perhaps all the cowboys went to get their degrees. Now these guys aren't necessarily winners, but they want to be and that is what matters. Maybe these cowboys wanted more out of their lives, Paula. Maybe they never even wanted to be cowboys in the first place and a lack of education at a higher learning institution was the only thing keeping them from living the lives they always wanted to live. Maybe it isn't their faults that they are deadly with the six shooter and with rope tricks and that chaps just fit them better. Maybe they wanted more and left their cowboy days behind them. College is a time of growing up, trying new things, and experimentation, Paula. It is likely that they went to college cowboys and left cowmen or with an STD.
Or were you just referring to one cowboy and meant to ask where did the cowboy go? Were you looking for Randy Jones, the original cowboy from the Village People? We all know where he is so you're probably not talking about him. (Dino Note: We admit when we are wrong. Randy Jones is not dead.)
Perhaps you were talking about the Urban Cowboy himself. Johnny T was supposed to be in full comeback form after 1994's masterpiece Pulp Fiction, but then he reverted back to the Travolta we all know and expect. That's it. You were commenting on the career of John Travolta. First he tricked us with quality in Get Shorty . Then came three duds in succession with 1996's Broken Arrow, Phenomenon, and the wonderfully named yet most pathetic of them all Michael. It is always educational to find out what song lyrics actually mean. Paula was singing about the rise and fall of the dimple chin.
John. Joseph. Travolta. John Joseph Travolta. John Travolta. So many people would take his career. He had winner written all over him and you like your winners, Paula. There have been numerous highs that have raised the name Travolta to worldwide recognition. Carrie. The Boy in the Plastic Bubble (Travolta's second greatest movie). Saturday Night Fever. Grease. Urban Cowboy. Five great years. Five good films. Johnny T had it all at that point. Which brings us to 1980 and the pinnacle of Travolta's fame. He was on his way to film immortality. But what goes up must go down and Travolta put the whole thing in his mouth. Blow Out. Staying Alive. Two of a Kind. Perfect. The Experts. There are 46 letters in those titles, but no way to spell quality. They are just bad, bad movies. This was probably the T's career low. Then he enjoyed a mini career resurrection with Look Who's Talking. One baby is a good idea. Then came another gem in the sequel necklace called Look Who's Talking Too. Two babies is not a good idea. Where was our cowboy wearing jeans? Where did that guy go? Paula sang the song that asked the question, but it would be another four years until our cowboy made a brief appearance. In the meantime came Look Who's Talking Now. Two babies plus two dogs is a horrible idea.
John's next movie brought back memories of 1980 and the coolness that went astray. Pulp Fiction gave the world our urban cowboy at his best. We've barely seen him since. A couple of times he showed his head above the water, but mostly John Travolta spends his time drowning his career with mediocrity and scientology. Until our butt-chinned hero returns from the dark side we will just have to watch his good movies on loop and remember that John Travolta was once cool. Our cowboy went crazy, Paula. That's where the cowboy went.

(No Brokeback Mountain jokes were made in the writing of this essay.)

Taglines for Movies That Shouldn't Be Made, But Most Likely Will Be Due to The Gravest of Originality Shortages in The Entertainment Industry

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 22:28:37 -0500

Lethal Weapon 9: Barely a Hyperbole - Two cops. One dislocated shoulder.
The Fast and the Furious: Student Driver in the Mix - Good thing there's no parallel parking in street racing.
The Simple Life: The Movie - The Answers to All The Questions The Show Didn't Have You Asking.
The Da Vinci Code II - Jesus Wants His Baby Back.
Three Ninjas 21: Tough Job Market - Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum Post Their Resumes at Monster.com and Wait for Replies.
Space Office: It's Office Space in Space!
X-Men 19: X:XIX - We only made this one for the Storm/Jean Grey GoGa* we've written into the X:XX script.
Roe V. Wade: The Autuer's Cut - Oliver Stone's Masterpiece Restored to Its Original Eleven Week Length.
The King James Bible - LeBron is Going to Get His God On.
Death Wish X: Still Dead, Motherf*cker - News Flash to Criminals: You Can't Kill An Exhumed Vigilante Corpse.
Untitled Ashton Kutcher Project: Just 'Cause We Couldn't Name This, Doesn't Mean It's Not Worth Viewing.
Kleenex: Now with Aloe Vera!
Movie! - This Summer, There Will Be Something On The Screen For You To Look At.
We're just hoping we never hear the following voice over in the two-plus hours of previews before a worthwhile picture:
"Just when you thought things couldn't get any dumberer, the makers of Larry the Cable Guy 43: Dumber than Dumb and Dumberererer team with the Zucker brother that's alive and someone with the last name Waynes for... Dumberererer and Dumberererererererer."

*Girl-on-Girl action

My America. Your America? Just America.

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 20:43:12 -0500

America isn't Leave it to Beaver. It isn't all white picket fences and white perfect faces. It isn't two and a half kids and a shaggy dog. It isn't all our problems solved in a twenty-two minute period and then a word from the sponsor. That America doesn't exist. That America never really existed. America didn't even resemble Leave it to Beaver in the 1950s when the show aired. The American Utopia of 50s television is a lie. I'm not saying that there are many people who believe that the everything is black and white version of America is the reality, but it truly wouldn't surprise me if there was a good portion of the population who did believe that is/was America.
This isn't going to be an essay of what America is. If anything, this is about what America isn't. I'm not smart enough to pinpoint the exact definition of America. I don't think that America can truly be defined, because a country of three hundred million would have three hundred million different stories. Each person has a different view of what America is and what America means, because each person was brought up under different circumstances, sometimes under vastly different circumstances. This is just one person's left-leaning biased point of view. I live in a major city in a "blue state". I'm currently drinking an overpriced imported beer and typing away on a laptop with wireless internet that my parents bought me. I have a useless liberal arts college degree and I don't believe in God. I have no problem with gay marriage and I'm straight. I'm an American. You never would have seen me on Leave it to Beaver.
Then again, nobody resembling me would be on today's television lineup either. My point? I don't have one.

The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 18:42:18 -0500

Associate's Degree from Community College of Philadelphia (1978) - Mere months before his star making turn as Chip "Thank You, Sir. May I Have Another?" Diller in Animal House, Bacon earned his AA in his hometown. In the years following his AA, however, Bacon's academic pursuits took a backseat to his drinking. Although there wasn't a real hole in him until he did Hollow Man in 2000, Bacon spent years trying to fill the emptiness he felt inside him with booze, booze, and more booze. He would later joke, "I earned my AA and then had to join AA."
Bachelor's Degree in English from San Diego State University (1989) - Since he spent most of the 80s in a alcoholic haze, Bacon was unable to procure his second degree until his role in the Christopher Guest-penned comedy The Big Picture lead him to SDSU, where he also minored in botany.
Doctor of Medicine from University of California San Diego School of Medicine (1994) - Bacon became enamored with the medical proffesion after playing brash bad-ass, Dr. David Labraccio, in Flatliners. So much so, that he started and with tireless effort, completed med school. If only Keifer Sutherland had followed suit. [Dino-fact: Oliver Pratt also earned a M.D. after filming Flatliners, but has chosen instead to concentrate his efforts on playing overweight, nervous guys on the silver screen.]
Juris Doctor from University of San Diego School of Law (1996) - Portraying the mentally incapacitated Henri Young in Murder in the First gave Bacon the resolve to earn his J.D. Speaking at the school's commencement the year following his 4th degree, Bacon had this to say: "Why didn't I win an Oscar for my performance in Murder in the First? I'll tell you why. It's because acting in a scene with Christian Slater is akin to being locked in a vacuum where no talent can exist."
Honorary Doctorate in Music from McGill University (2002) - After the Bacon Brothers' third album Can't Complain sold its 10,000th copy, both Kevin and Michael were bestowed this honor, the same awarded to Joni Mitchell a few years later. Which says less about the award than it would originally lead you to believe.
Third Degree Black Belt from Mojo Dojo (2006) - After wife and actress Kyra Sedgwick mockingly wrestled him to the ground in an effort to wrangle the television remote, Bacon vowed to never let his wife "kick his ass" again. Sensei Roberts calls Bacon a fast learner who never shows restraint even though he is usually pitted against sparring opponents in their teens or younger.
*Some Baconographers, as Kevin Bacon scholars are sometimes dubbed, claim the existence of a seventh degree of Kevin Bacon. Whether it is the second degree burns he is said to have suffered on a beach in Malibu in '97 or the missing degree that makes Bacon's regular body temperature 97.6 degrees, one thing is certain - Kevin Bacon is a man of many degrees, and possibly quantifying it the way we do is an injustice to this god on earth.

My Big Brother

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 18:37:29 -0500

Maybe it's because I never had a brother, but I don't see why people are so outraged with the Bush administrations supposedly Orwellian policies. People don't know how lucky they are. I love my two sisters, but I've always secretly wanted a brother. Now not only do I get a Big Brother, but the entire country does as well. We're going to have so much fun. My only regret is that I didn't get my Big Brother sooner. We've got a lot of catching up to do.

I can learn so much from my Big Brother. We can do things together that my sisters never wanted to do. No more playing house for me. No more wearing makeup. No more wearing tampons. I've got a Big Brother now. My Big Brother can take me skateboarding and show me how to do crazy tricks. My Big Brother wouldn't even care that I don't wear a helmet, because my Big Brother is cool like that. And when I fall and hurt myself everything will still be okay, because my Big Brother can tell me that chicks dig scars. My Big Brother knows so much. How did my Big Brother get so smart? Then my Big Brother can show me how to tap my neighbor's phone.

I've always wanted to play cops and robbers. I'm sure my Big Brother would play with me. I'm smiling just thinking about the fun we would have. I would start out as a robber first and my Big Brother would be a cop. I would commit imaginary crimes and my Big Brother would catch me and arrest me. We would laugh and laugh and laugh and then I would ask my Big Brother to take his cuffs off of me, because my wrists were beginning to hurt. Where did my Big Brother get real handcuffs anyway? My Big Brother wouldn't take the cuffs off of me. He takes his games seriously. He is such a competitor. Then my Big Brother would decide that it was time to play a new game. He would call the game Interrogation. I would tell him that I hadn't gotten a chance to be a cop, but my Big Brother would just continue with the Interrogation game. I would play along, because he is my Big Brother and my Big Brother would never do anything to hurt me. I would also have no other choice, because I still would have the cuffs on my wrists. Then the bag would go over my head and I wouldn't be able to see anything. Three to four days of starvation would follow. My Big Brother would keep asking me the same questions over and over again, but I wouldn't know the answer. I wouldn't even recognize the names he would ask me about, but my Big Brother wouldn't believe me. He would call me a fucking liar. Then I would laugh again, because my Big Brother was using a bad word. My mother would sure be angry if she heard my Big Brother using language like that. She didn't raise her children to have sewer mouths. My Big Brother sure is a rebel and he is really, really good at playing Interrogation.

After I would get out of the hospital, I would confront my Big Brother. I've heard that all brothers fight eventually. I was never allowed to hit my sisters, because hitting girls is wrong, but a brother is different. I would punch my Big Brother. Man, would my Big Brother overreact. If you think I would be surprised that my Big Brother had real handcuffs, then you would be amazed how surprised I would be at my Big Brother's gun collection. I guess I heard wrong. Not all brothers fight. My Big Brother wouldn't let me fight him at all. He would get angry with me and I would think we would play Interrogation again, but he would have a new game for me. He would call it Prison Camp. My Big Brother and his games.

New and Ground-breaking Company Needs Your Capital!

Fri, 9 Jun 2006 21:36:56 -0500

Niche marketing is powerful. In a corporate world seemingly saturated with every product one could desire and plenty that no one would ever want, new ideas are few and far between. Improving on old ideas, while tricky and loaded with potential pitfalls, can be extremely rewarding. It can also be lucrative if your particular geographic region is loaded with fucking weirdos.

My entrepreneurial leanings have led me in this direction. Thus the unveiling of "Greeting Cards for Weirdos."

The premise, simple. Everyone loves getting a greeting card. The target demographic, underserved. Weirdos, deviants, the dull-witted, and the overall lunatic fringe.

I know what you're thinking. "This guy is a goddamn genius. But it's one thing to come up with a brilliant, brilliant idea. How will this handsome and obviously very normal gentleman actually execute the creation of a Cuckoo Hallmark?"

I refer you to some cards already in the works:

"I detest your need to burgle."

"On the occasion of your forehead carving."

"Sorry I farted in your cell."

"Happy Mother's Day... to my favorite transgendered hooker!"

"That's why it had a skull and crossbones on it."

"Yarn!"

"This is also being read by the government."

"Happy Anniversary to you and your tin foil statues of The Four Tops!"

So now that I've answered THAT question, I hope that you'll take this once in a lifetime opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this new and terribly exploitative business opportunity. We've already got Wal-Mart on board.

Where Aren't They Now? - American Idol Edition

Wed, 31 May 2006 23:53:05 -0500

Here's what the 12 finalists have been up to since the finale one week ago, they are arranged in the order in which they were eliminated.
Melissa McGhee – Melissa went back to her job as a Coyote Ugly girl and dreams of being asked to take part in a N.A.S.A. shuttle mission where she can act “astro-naughty.”

Kevin Covais – Kevin was running lines with his mom before an audition for The Other Sister 2 Monday at a Hungry Howie's Pizza when he was trampled by 14 extremely hungry women.

Lisa Tucker – One of the youngest competitors, Lisa has since completed her undergraduate studies at Oxford and Med School at Harvard.

Mandisa – Mandisa changed her name to Jade in a concentrated effort to remain incognito in her return to the stripper’s pole.

Bucky Covington – Bucky continues to sing although now he writes songs about himself. He always rhymes his name with "lucky" although "sucky" and "schmucky" are usually more appropriate. On a side note, he has curbed his alcoholism but still has urges to hit his girlfriend.

Ace Young – After Idol, Ace plunged head first into the seedy underbelly of the gay porn industry. He made several unsuccessful attempts to crossover to a mainstream audience in softcore pictures like Asses Don’t Lie and Falsetto Nights. On Memorial Day 2006, he married Arista recording artist Babyface. The couple have since adopted three children together.

Kellie Pickler – Came down with cancer and is now a wig model.

Paris Bennett – Paris became an international superstar overnight for her studies in the aerodynamics of Formula 1 race cars when propelled by a merger of gasoline, carrot juice, and karma.

Chris Daughtry – Chris became the lead singer of the band Fuel. He still, however, manages a Home Depot in his hometown because as he has said, “being the lead singer of Fuel doesn’t pay the bills.”

Elliot Yamin – In an attempt to “be like my hero,” Elliot crucified himself.

Katherine McPhee – Kat joined the nunnery and has a begun planting gardenia bushes and summer squashes. She may try watermelon, but she doesn’t know yet.

Taylor Hicks – In the days following his Idol win, Taylor went on a psychotic drug-induced binge that compelled FOX to revoke his Idol crown. He has since quit the barbiturates and hallucinogens that caused the shame spiral, but has yet to shower or eat solid foods.

Student Admits to Commodious Use of Thesaurus Function, Seeks Cure

Mon, 29 May 2006 23:04:52 -0500

YPSILANTI, Mi. – Aaron Shipley sits and stares at his computer in nervous anticipation while his Microsoft Word Thesaurus loads. His heart races and his forehead beads with sweat as he meticulously chooses an alternative for the expression “a lot.”
“Several, many, countless, various, the list is almost never-ending. I mean infinite. I mean unlimited – no, immeasurable!”
Shipley, an English major at Eastern Michigan University, suffers from what many people who one day would like to be recognized as doctors have named, “Vocabulitis.”
“While the symptoms of ‘Vocabulitis’ are varied – nay, diverse - Aaron seems to be exhibiting, or rather portraying, what many of us consider the definitive characteristics,” says Milton Campbell P.h.D* “His almost obsessive need or desire to use a thesaurus in order to ensure that almost every word in a single assignment is unique is one of the most severe, harsh, and even dangerous we’ve diagnosed to date.”
Shipley has willingly enrolled himself at the rehabilitation center G.L.U.E. to curb his dependence on Microsoft Word's Thesaurus function. G.L.U.E., an acronym for Get a Life, yoU Egomaniac, was founded by Campbell and his colleagues in 1987 after a particularly grueling semester of writing assignments at East Oaks Community College Pre-Med Department in Ypsilanti.
“We want people to be aware that this is an actual disease, some might even go so far as to call is legitimate.*”
Shipley, 19, has admitted a large amount of guilt about abusing the word processor's helpful feature.
"At first it was just a right click every once and a while when I felt I had used a specific word too many times," said Shipley. "Next thing you know, I had to replace the Shift and F7 keys on my keyboard from overuse.”
Pressing the Shift key and the F7 key in unison, or simultaneously, would bring up the thesaurus, a maneuver referred to as a "shortcut" in computer lingo.
Shipley also admits that his calculated vocabulary was vastly exaggerated by his over-use of the function.
"If the professor said, '3,000 words,' I would try my best to make everyone of those 3,000 words unique," Shipley said from the break room at G.L.U.E. "Granted, words like 'the' and 'a,' are tough to avoid repeating, but you'd be surprised. Maybe shocked. Astounded, even."
Shipley's "addiction" caught the eye of creative writing professor Nate Connors, who immediately brought the matter before EMU's ethics board.
"It didn't really hit me until at the end of the semester when I tallied up the words used in the 12 assigned short stories," said Connors, who himself had once been a resident at G.L.U.E. for a harrowing dependence on the Spell and Grammar Check function. "It was going to be a joke. I was going to compare what I thought would be my student’s paltry vocabularies to Shakespeare's. The joke was on me."
What Connors found was that Shipley had an estimated vocabulary of over 60,000 words. Shakespeare's vocabulary, widely thought to be the benchmark in the English-speaking world, is usually quoted at 30,000 words.
Shipley is grateful that Connor and ethics board intervened when they did.
"Every word had to be a new word. I wanted every short story of mine to be a combination of James Joyce, Marcel Proust, and Merriam Webster. I got high on words.
"I could turn the 'the quick red fox jumped over the lazy brown dog' into 'one nimble terra cotta Vulpes vulpes upsurged aloft a lone lackadaisical auburn canine tail-wagger.' I mean, this has to stop somewhere. It must cease. It should end, conclude, and finish. I can’t live like this."
Campbell sends out a plea to teachers and parents who think that their student might be suffering from ‘Vocabulitis.’
“Until this disease is recognized, acknowledged and accepted as legitimate, students will continue to sit at the computers and stare in horror as their own vocabularies swell to perilous proportions. I’ve diagnosed this. I truly believe that makes me a doctor.”
*Pending

Inopportune/Tactless Moments To Unveil Adultery

Mon, 29 May 2006 23:04:51 -0500

While broadcasting a baseball game: "It's a long drive to right center. It may go all the way. Charlie I had sex with your Meryl. IT'S GONE! Home Run!" On a birthday: "Look, I even put fifty candles on there for you, honey. One for every guy I've slept with since we got married." In the middle of a PowerPoint slideshow: "And as you can see in this next slide, not only did our numbers continue to sky-rocket in the third quarter but I slept with Matthew's wife, Brenda, and lovely daughter, Melinda on consecutive nights in July. This next slide clearly shows me naked on Matthew's bed giving Brenda the business...and business is good." During a shopping spree: "OK. OK. OK! Let's see. We have 20 minutes to get whatever we want in these two shopping carts. Here's what I suggest we do: You head straight for electronics, I had sex with Joan. Ready, GO!" While hosting Fear Factor (we're looking at you, Joe Rogan): "Okay, now as they lower these venomous snakes it's important for you to lie incredibly still. Clear you mind. Maybe this will help. I just slept with Cynthia backstage and she told me I was twice the man you were. OH, BOY! You shouldn’t have lunged at me like that. Looks like at least twelve snakes got you. See you at the hospital, pal. I’ll be the guy with his arm around your tasty betty of a wife." During a bank robbery: Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR, THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A SECOND! YOU THERE BEHIND THE COUNTER, TAKE THIS BAG AND.... Guy on floor to other Guy on floor: Dude, I've been sleeping with Sharon. Through call-in radio show: "Hi, Dick. Long-time listener, first-time caller. About the president's stance on energy reform, I slept with your wife, Dorene, last month." During phone a friend on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?: "Well, Dave, 80 percent of me thinks that the answer is Blitzen, but I'm not sure. Gosh, Donner, Comet…I don't know buddy. I screwed Joyce on your inflatable Jets chair. (Beat.) I would go with Blitzen." While being crucified: John: Hey Jesus, before you go. A couple of the guys wanted me to clear the air. Um, this is more difficult than when I imagined it in my head. I mean, you're right there on the cross. Grab a hold of yourself, John. Anyways, Simon Peter, Thomas, and Luke all had sex with Mary. Your wife, Magdalene, not you mom. I did, too, in Nazareth one time when you were feeding the masses. You kind of had to see this coming though. She was, after all, a prostitute. Mary: Son, I, too, have lain with your wife. Forgive me. While having sex with your wife: "I'm close. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I fucked your sister! OH, YEAH!!!"

An Interview With Barry Bonds' Ego

Mon, 29 May 2006 23:04:50 -0500

Dinosaurs: Well, first off, we'd just like to say that it is a real pleasure.
Barry Bonds' Ego: Damn straight it is. I'm the ego of the greatest baseball player of all-time and I'm here slummin' it with you two: You guys should buy Barry a Bentley.
Ethics: (Uncomfortable laughter.) Sure thing. Let's get to the questions, shall we?

BBE: Barry wants monogrammed spinners on that bad boy, too.

D (to E): What's the point in that?

E (to D): I know, you wouldn't be able to read the monogram as it was spinning.

D (to BBE): You've claimed your ego is the direct result of the unselfish and passive egos of your father, Bobby Bonds, and godfather, Willie Mays.

BBE: Barry's got some talented genes. No one else in the league can compete with his genes.

D: What about Ken Griffey Jr.? Or maybe the Boone's?

BBE: Are you fucking kidding Barry?
(Twenty seconds of silence.)
BBE: Barry asked you a fucking question. Are you trying to be funny?
E: No. We're serious. Ken Griffey Jr. was the player of the decade in the '90s and his dad was no slouch either. And although not one of the Boone's would ever claim to be as good a player as you are there are about fifteen of them that have played in the league.
BBE: Fuck Griffey. And fuck his dad too. Barry'll admit it. Ken Griffey Jr. was once a great baseball player. Was. But now who talks about him. Griffey's career has been going downhill ever since he appeared on The Simpsons . That's a fact.
E: The Simpsons? I assume you are talking about 1992 episode "Homer at the Bat". I notice a lot of talented baseball players there. Griffey wasn't the only Major League player to appear in that episode. Roger Clemens. Wade Boggs. Steve Sax. Ozzie Smith. Jose Canseco. Don Mattingly. Darryl Strawberry. Mike Scioscia. I don't see your name there.
BBE: But were any of those guys in Rookie of the Year?
E: Going back to that Simpsons' episode and Griffey. Do you think that you should have been on the show in his place? Looking back I think it would have been perfect. Griffey OD's on nerve tonic and gets a grotesquely swollen jaw and your jaw...
BBE: What?
D: Everybody knows you took steroids. Your body doesn't change like that naturally. Just admit it.
BBE: Okay. Barry will admit that.
D: But why? You were already among the best players in the game.
BBE: I…Barry was the best! Not one of the best. The best!
D: So why?
BBE: Barry was once the best player in baseball not taking steroids. Then Caminiti, Canseco, McGwire started roiding. Barry figured if Barry roided too Barry would become the best player in baseball taking steroids.
D: There has to be logic in there somewhere. Enough about steroids. Let's talk about something a bit lighter. Any thought on Taylor winning the fifth edition of American Idol?
BBE: Don't get Barry started on that fucking show. You want to know something about American Idol?
(Pause.)
BBE: Okay. Barry'll tell you what he thinks about it. Barry created that show. Barry thought of the idea for American Idol four years before Simon Cowell and Simon Fuller did. The Simons are nothing but common thieves. Maybe Barry's idea was slightly different, but the title was the same. It was gold, pure television gold and Barry knows something about gold. Barry's an eight-time Gold Glove winner. Barry also knows a little bit about silver. How does twelve Silver Sluggers sound?
(No answer.)
BBE: It sounds like a beautiful fucking hurricane blowing outside your window. A choo-choo train of silver called Hurricane Barry's Silver Sluggers. And then there's bronze. Barry can count four bronze medals from his participation in the luge during the 1994 Olympics in Lilly-hammer.
E: Wait a minute. You weren't an Olympic luger. And what do the Gold Gloves and Silver Slugger awards have to do with good TV besides sharing the some of the same colors?
BBE: Oh, now Barry sees. You're a racist bastard. Don't make Barry angry. You wouldn't like it Barry if Barry got angry.
D: Back to American Idol. Your idea was...
BBE: Get rid of the singing. Get rid of the judges. Get rid of that Seacrest.
D: Kill Seacrest?
BBE: No. Just get rid of him. He's not part of Barry's American Idol.
E: You sure you don't want to kill him?
BBE: Get rid of everything except the camera and Barry, the real American Idol. Pure television gold.
D: That sounds a little like Bonds on Bonds.
BBE: Pure television gold. Let's be honest, all anyone wants to see is Barry anyway. Plus, it's time the world knew that Barry Bonds is more than a pretty face and amazing ballplayer. He's also a virtuoso singer and sometimes, when he feels like it, an extraordinary dancer.
D: But that would defeat the purpose of the show. The show is intended to discover yet discovered talent and then have America vote the winner.
BBE: Do you want to arm wrestle Barry?
D&E: No.
(Pause.)
D: What do you say have to say to the media who have pestered you for years?
BBE: Hey media, FUCK YOU!
(slight pause)
D: That's all.
BBE: Yeah that's fucking all. Do I look like I am kidding? Am I smiling?
D: You are a bit.
BBE: Fuck you.
E: Yes. More of that. Roid Rage.
BBE: What?!
E: Huh?
BBE: Do you guys have any doughnuts? Barry's ego is hungry. The ego wants food.
D: We didn't have this catered.
(BBE punches E in the face.)
D (to room): Can we get some doughnuts over here?
(E is whimpering)
D: Back to the media, I can somewhat sympathize with your disdain for them; they haven't allowed you or your family to live a private life since you came into the league. Was there ever a time you felt most violated by the media's scrutiny?
BBE: Have you ever pet a kitten?
D: I'm sorry?
BBE: A kitten. Have you ever pet one?
D: Yes, I have. I'm not sure how this is relevant to—
BBE: Was it furry?
D: It was a kitten.
BBE: Was it furry?
D: Aren't I conducting the interview? Shouldn't I be asking the "furry" questions?
BBE: Was it or was it not furry?
D: Yes! It was furry.
BBE: Well, there you go.
D: I'm not sure I follow.
E: I think my jaw is broken.
D (to E): Quiet.
D (to BBE): How is this relevant to my question about the media's scrutiny of you and your family?
BBE: Barry is the kitten.
D: You are the kitten.
BBE: Barry's the kitten. Are you deaf?! You sure do ask a bunch of questions?
D: I am a reporter.
BBE: Shut up!
D: Fair enough. I don't think we are going to get an answer here.
BBE: Cheese sandwiches.
D: Riiight. Now, as an extremely large ego, what are your thoughts on Robbie Williams' The Ego Has Landed ? Does it speak to you?
BBE: Yes it does.
D: How, Barry Bonds' Ego?
BBE: In English you stupid bitch. How else would it speak to Barry? In Japanese? Barry's not Ichiro. He's better than Ichiro. He's black.
D: Yes, Yes you are. But what message do you get from that album?
(As of this moment, BBE rips off his lavaliere mic and sucker punches E in the face again, who passes out. BBE then proceeds to storm out of the interview room mumbling absurdities about whores, Rice Krispies, and bowling.)
D: I take it he is more of a Kool and The Gang fan.
(Screams and crashing outside the interview room.)
D: What?
(Gunshots and an explosion.)
D: Oh, we did have doughnuts.

Tom Cruise Exhibits Bizarre Behavior

Sun, 21 May 2006 21:44:31 -0500

LOS ANGELES, CA - Hollywood actor Tom Cruise stunned onlookers today at a posh Beverly Hills eatery by sitting at an outdoor table and eating lunch. The staff of the popular café, Sucret, had braced themselves for Cruise's visit and made the appropriate preparations, however witnesses at the scene were forced to stare in disbelief as the actor appeared to be behave like a normal human being.
"Short of demons flying out of his skull, we were prepared for almost every scenario," said doorman Fabrizio Mascotti. "Paparazzi spitting water at him, exorcisms, sermons from the mount of insanity, all bases were covered."
Cruise reportedly arrived in a modest vehicle, and walked into the restaurant with an alarmingly serene and stable demeanor. According to sources, the Cocktail-serving, jet-fighter-flying star left an adequate but not outrageous tip, politely thanked the staff, and left without causing any sort of scene.
"We had Jimmy our maintenance guy rig the roof with equipment for [Cruise] to scale down the side of the building", said owner Martin Schegel, "And for what? He walked in through the front door. It was weird to say the least."
Cruise is rumored to have been conversing in an entirely un-douchebag-like nature with his agent, failing to mention alien soul-balls or intergalactic wars even when provoked. Cruise, for an unidentified reason, engaged in a thoughtful and even intelligent discussion, never once breaking into an inappropriate burst of maniacal laughter. When asked about his relationship with fiancée Katie Holmes he responded, "She's great, but I don't typically like to discuss my personal life."
Members of the paparazzi were disappointed by the blockbuster hero's behavior. "He sprinkled Splenda on his salad and drank 27 orange sodas, but aside from that it was totally lame," complained Star photog Mitch Evans. "Who the hell does this guy think he is, Tom Hanks? I mean, how am I gonna pay my rent this month?"
When Holmes herself was interviewed about her future husband's comprehensible and almost rational behavior, the "actress," too, was in rare form, articulating what vaguely resembled genuine emotion, "Tommy hasn't driven a motorcycle into the kitchen in weeks, and yesterday I was allowed to see my parents for over two hours. I'm beginning to wonder what happened to the man I fell in love with."

Notoriously Bad Counters

Sun, 21 May 2006 21:43:25 -0500

In a recent ad campaign for Converse sneakers, current Miami Heat and former Marquette University star Dwayne Wade (D-Wade, for the kids) falls to the basketball court floor after a hard foul, takes a moment to collect himself in which he apparently daydreams about every other time he has ever fallen down and stood up allowing him the strength and will to stand up this time, which he does.
The tag for the ad is the Japanese proverb nanakorobi yaoki - fall seven times, stand up eight. The message, to stand up as often as Fortune knocks one down, is a good one. Sadly, this message is backed by some horribly bad math.
If one falls once, they stand up once. Fall twice, stand up twice. And so on. The Japanese may have been masters when it came to samurai, but their proverb scribes needed to recheck the abacus (or whatever the Japanese equivalent of an abacus was) on this one. Which leads us to today’s Not-a-list entry:
Notoriously Bad Counters
1. Buzz Aldrin--the man could not, for the life of him, balance his checkbook. He was an astronaut for Erdös’ sake and he couldn't subtract $24.13 from his current checking account balance. This made him cry. Cry sweet, sorrowful, ashamed tears. Tears, of failure.

2. Wilt Chamberlain - 20,000 women? That would mean he would've had to sleep with a new woman every day since his fifteenth birthday. That compounded with the fact that he looked like this:

leads us to believe he was lying those poor women's pants off. [Dino-fact: Willie Shoemaker, the short dude in the photo with Chamberlain, only slept with 2 women.]
3. Myspace - It says I have 147 friends, but they are mostly just friends of friends, acquaintances, and Tom.
4. Jonathan Winters--once ate 37 chicken wings in one sitting. When asked how many he thinks he put down, he responded, "About 1,000." When told by that same gentleman that digesting 1,000 chicken wings was a physically impossible feat, Mr. Winters simply glared at the man and walked away.
5. The Count on Sesame Street - His math always seems to add up, but, and I want you to listen closely here, he is a blood-sucking vampire on a kid's show. This would make a lot more sense if there was a werewolf teaching the Period Table or Jason Voohees teaching them the difference between stand-up and butterfly goaltending. The horrible consequence: kids love vampires. Love them. They're not scared of them at all. And that’s a problem I think even Buzz Aldrin could compute the answer for.
7. Steve Nash, two-time NBA MVP - You, sir, are not 6'1".
9. The Formica top at the Starlite Diner - Its cracks contain the remains of hot plate specials from years past. It is such a bad counter that a glass of milk cannot be slid from one end to the other without it inevitably toppling over and spilling.
8. Melanie Griffith - Once pointed at three bananas and said, “Two apples.”
10. Proponents of Young Earth creationism - OK, a lot of ground to cover here.
Believe God created Adam and Eve in 4004 BC (around the same time the wheel was invented in Mesopotamia - so that Adam could drive Eve to Makeout Point).
Believe a massive flood wiped out everything on the planet save for the animals that marched "two by two" onto Noah's Ark in 2349 BC (around the same time the Egyptians were constructing The Great Pyramid of Giza - in their defense they had really strong levees).
Believe dinosaurs were on that ark and that they co-existed with humans, as shown in this photo of a saddled triceratops (although they had a horrible miles per greenery rating - eventually replaced by "hybrid" omnivores that ran on both plants and meat).
Believe only 6,000 years have passed since the creation of the universe as opposed to the nearly 13.7 billion that so-called "scientists" have estimated on the basis of their so-called "facts" which they've found in the so-called "ground."
Can't be counted on to keep their word. This is why they're bad counters, not because of any of that Young Earth business. That's all true.

Fans Try to Save Arrested Development

Sun, 21 May 2006 21:43:24 -0500

ATLANTA, Ga. - Although a petition by fans to save the cult hit television show Arrested Development failed, another Arrested Development might just be making a comeback. Seeing that more than 42,000 fans signed the doomed petition for Fox to bring back the cancelled television show for a fourth season, fans of the '90s afrocentric hip hop group of the same name have started their own petition to save their Arrested Development.
Arrested Development had success in the early nineties winning two Grammy Awards and was named Rolling Stone's Band of the Year in 1992. The group broke up in 1996 and reunited in 2000. However, few in America noticed the reunion and Arrested Development has struggled to regain their early fame.
To this point the new Save Arrested Development petition has been signed by 6 people including twice each for group members Speech and Headliner.

The Seven Most Dangerous Words on Television

Sun, 21 May 2006 19:09:44 -0500

We here at Dinosaurs and Ethics are lifelong fans of George Carlin. We have nothing but respect for his jabbing standup routines and his amazing comedic longevity. He is also now an old man. Surprisingly his often-imitated bit “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Televison” is almost 34 years old. Yet it still works. After Super Bowl Janet's Tits, today's television climate is much like it was 34 years ago. You can't say anything on television without fear of offending someone. What the fuck? Who are we trying to protect? The children? Please. Kids grow up faster today than ever (except when children were fighting and dying in the Crusades). Even today's sexually precocious children grow up hearing that "sticks and stones may break my bones and words will never hurt me". It was true when I heard it as a child and it remains true today. Words have no power without intent. I've already used two of Carlin's allegedly damaging words in the preceding paragraphs. I don't think I corrupted the American youth by writing tits! or fuck!!! They are just words. They were just words 34 years ago. It is our belief that we can't improve on George Carlin's original seven words. However, we feel that there are much more dangerous words that should under no circumstances ever be used on television. The words themselves are harmless. However, Dinosaurs and Ethics fears that combined together these words are much more dangerous than shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. The Seven Most Dangerous Words on Television Hint: We're Not Talking About Shitfuckers. Rapaport - As in Michael Rapaport. As in star of The War at Home. Dinosaurs and Ethics has brought up this "sitcom" before. We could even be accused of going out of our way to pick on this show. Accuse away. That is exactly what we are doing. Although maybe not as dangerous as the other things on this list, The War at Home still has sharp points and edges although its content has no point or edge. The show is considered a sitcom short for situational comedy, but we believe that comedies are supposed to be funny. The War at Home could just as easily be called The War on Comedy. When television viewers are given sitcoms that are more sit than com they forget that sitcoms are supposed to be funny and that makes The War at Home dangerous. Deuce- As in Bigelow not McAllister. We here at Dinosaurs and Ethics can't wait to see the new Thunder (McAllister) and Lightning (Reggie Bush) tear it up in New Orleans. We also can't wait for thunder and lightning to strike down Rob Schneider to keep him from making any more Gigolo movies. And we know there are more on the way. The Hollywood sequel machine cannot be stopped. Thus far Schneider has only been an American and a European Gigolo. We're pretty sure Asian Gigolo and Australian Gigolo have already been green-lighted. And once that sequel ball gets rolling it is a bitch to stop. Next thing you know there opening African Gigolo and Antarctic Gigolo in theatres worldwide. Hell, they might even go back and rename the first picture North American Gigolo(ala Star Wars becoming Episode IV: A New Hope), as to allow for the subsequent picture South American Gigolo, and you just know USA is chomping at the bit to have an all-day marathon of Gigolo movies. Our point? Stop making sequels. Just stop. We don't see the logic in making a second or third movie if the first one was barely worth watching. These sequels are the end of original thought. And without original thought, what, exactly, is the point? Git'r – done? Git and er aren't even words. The fact that Larry the Fuckstick has added them to the American lexicon is baffling. Larry. Larry. Larry. We only wish that he really was a cable guy. Then we could wait around our apartment from noon to five for him to come and shut off our cable so that we never had to watch his dumbing down of America again. That is exactly what he is doing. Larry "You might not be a redneck if you’re a comedian named Dan Whitney whose popularity is based on the fact that you created a moniker in an effort to give yourself the appearance of an ignorant southerner" the Cable Guy is just another example of what America has become and where it is going. The scariest part is that in many ways Larry the Cable Guy is America. Red neck. Blue Collar. White man. The red, white, and blue of Git'rdoneness. Factor- As in Fear or O'Reilly. The two are pretty much interchangeable. The O'Reilly Factor could just as easily been named Fear Factor, but not because the shows are overtly similar. On the surface the shows share nothing but the word Factor and a host with a receding hairline (although it has been argued that both also share bull testicles). The words are interchangeable because fear is what O'Reilly plays on. Fear is what The O'Reilly Factor is really about. Fear is the real American danger. Bill O'Reilly is a fearist (Although fear and terror are synonyms we refuse to call Bill O'Reilly a terrorist. The word terrorist is thrown around way too liberally. These days it seems that you are either with us or you are a terrorist.). Bill O'Reilly is doing far more damage to the children than shit or piss. It used to be that kids were scared of the dark or the boogeyman or Freddy Krueger. Bill O'Reilly has kids fearing life, fearing the world, and fearing each other. Scientology- All religions are made up, but Scientology is more made up. Dubya- The fact that this is the President's nickname is absurd. Looking back on history you can tell how good a President was just by looking at his nickname. There's been the Father of his Country, the Bachelor President, the Great Emancipator, Silent Cal, the New Dealer, the Sage of Monticello (Dino-Award: Best Presidential Nickname), the Haberdasher, Tricky Dick, Slick Willie. Any guesses on which were the better Presidents? We get Dubya. Of course we realize that some of those Presidents weren't necessarily given those nicknames until long after their deaths. Time was able to judge best what their nicknames should be. How will time judge Dubya? At the present, when our President calls a press conference "Dubya" takes the stage. And this isn't a problem? This is where the N-word would go. But we don't even have the balls to type it on the internet, let alone say it on television. We believe that these seven dangerous words are doing more to hurt America's youth than Carlin's seven words ever did. We also believe that this sentence makes for great television viewing. "The motherfucker's tits were covered in shit and piss while the cocksucker fucked the cunt.”

Convicted Sexual Predator Sam Mantino's Favorite Television Shows

Sat, 13 May 2006 16:19:16 -0500

My Super Sweet Sixteen - They are all pretty, pretty princesses. My pretty, pretty princesses. Mind of Mencia - All Mencia fans are sexual predators. Buffalo Sabres Hockey Games - Not all hockey fans are sexual predators, but all sexual predators are hockey fans. Go Sabres! Dateline NBC - Really only the episode that was about me. Cheers - Just a great television show. I write fan fiction about the old gang. Earth 2 - I cried when this show was cancelled. Only one thing made me feel better. Tiara Girls - They all think they're gorgeous, but they're not sure. I'll tell them what they need to hear. Oz - An amazingly realistic show. Adebisi was a bad motherfucker. 7th Heaven - My life would have been different if I had been raised in Camden. True Life: I'm a Cheerleader - Part of my MTV trilogy. I've had this baby Tivo'd for months. and it is still knuckle children friendly. The Wonder Years - Not for the reasons you'd think. Emerson Junior High - This is live-action show that airs every weekday from 8 to 3. It's very similar to Degrassi Junior High except it keeps me glued to my window, not my television.

Your Mother Should Lose Weight

Mon, 8 May 2006 23:46:23 -0500

Your Mother Should Lose Weight By Lindsey Marie Stathopoulos With the recent success of MTV’s hit show, “Yo Momma” (I actually don’t know if it’s a hit, or even if it’s successful at anything other than making me want to swallow battery acid), there seems to be a resurgence of jokes among today’s youth wherein the weight of a companion’s mother is the subject of some ridicule. I’ve always thought that these jokes, often referred to as “Yo Momma” jokes, never really described an overweight female to a degree that would cause her offspring to be terribly offended. I have come up with a few of my own “Yo Momma” jokes, which I feel should truly shock and offend people whose mothers might struggle with obesity. For the sake of preserving the integrity of the typical back-and-forth format of “Yo Momma” insult-fests, one should read the following list and insert a mental, “Oh yeah? Well…” in between each joke. “Yo Momma’s so fat, she has a BMI of 48!” “Yo Momma’s so fat, she weighs 366 pounds!” “Yo Momma’s so fat that when she goes outside, little kids point and yell, ‘Gosh, that lady’s fat!” “Yo Momma’s so fat, she suffers from sleep apnea!” “Yo Momma’s so fat, her primary physician sent her to a nutritionist for a dietary consultation!” “Yo Momma’s so fat, she’s seriously considering gastric bypass! *It should be noted that all of these jokes will be most effective if followed by three or four of your douchebag friends yelling, “Ooohhhhhh!!!!”

Tornadoes Penetrate Small Town: God to Blame?

Mon, 8 May 2006 23:58:52 -0500

Barnsdall, OK-- It was a wild night in Barnsdall as three tornadoes swept through the small town of 1,325, knocking down power lines and relocating clothing that had previously been strung out on clothes lines.

Local forecasts call for lighter showers during the week, but the real story in this Hickville is why the tornados happened in the first place.

Science states that tornadoes form when warm, moist air along the ground rushes upward, meeting cooler, drier air. As the rising warm air cools, the moisture it carries condenses, forming a massive thundercloud. And then terror ensues.

Yet, local Barnsdall church officials have a different take on it.

"The gays."

Now, while modern science can prove that gays were not the cause of the tornadoes, church officials are more than positive that this time science got it
wrong.

"It has to be the gays. What they do, what with their breaking the sanctity of marriage and their sodomy, these tornadoes were God telling the homos that their lifestyle is a sin. And sin has to be dealt with. In fact none of this would have ever happened if those two homos hadn't 'wed' the other day," one church official expressed on conditions of anonymity.

"We had nothing to do with those tornadoes," stated Jerry Gray, local gay. Jerry and his life partner Ken Stiller, also a gay, were part of a commitment ceremony that took place the day before the tornadoes touched down.

"Just because Ken and I had a wonderful ceremony where poached duck was
served with a raspberry jam on top of a wonderful pilaf of rice, does
not mean that God is going to bring the wrath upon our small town. Next
thing you know these church 'officials' will say that gay marriage also
causes other natural disasters, like hurricanes or earthquakes. Well, I
call bullshit."

Jerry stated further, "Why don't they [heterosexuals] take a look at them
selves as the ruiners of the sanctity of marriage? That 'One Tree Hill'
actor Carlos Mitchell Murphy and his girlfriend--they was [sic] married for 5
months! 5 months! Now they are divorced. Ken and I take this commitment
to one another seriously, like, at least 5 years serious."

[Eds. Note: Dinosaurs and Ethics would like to state for the record that while
they do not watch the WB's One Tree Hill, the actor's name is Chad
Michael Murray and he was in the painfully asinine House of Wax.]

When asked to defend the church officials accusations of sodomy, Jerry
could not, "Ken takes it in the ass. Like a champ."

While science tells us that tornadoes are caused by moist, warm air
rising upwards towards cooler, less dense air and upon their meeting
causes a vacuous thundercloud and religion tells us that tornadoes are
caused by gay marriage, one thing is for certain: the last recorded
earthquake to occur in Oklahoma was in 1997. Watch out San Francisco,
you're on a fault line.

Police Pursue Gravity Lead

Mon, 8 May 2006 23:41:34 -0500

Kansas City, Mo.- A warrant for the arrest of gravity was recently discovered by local law enforcement officers in the now homicide case of downed pro-wrestler Owen Hart.

Police Chief Charles "Willie" DeSoto was quoted as saying, "We had no idea about the warrant, having believed his death to be a freak accident we never did much research into the matter. But now my men are ready to take down gravity at a moments notice. We will fulfill this warrant."

As of press time, yesterday, no further developments had been made.

Conversations Made Possible By Time Travel, Episode 2

Mon, 8 May 2006 22:54:46 -0500

(Starring: Bill Kazmaeir, three-time World's Strongest Man, Clara Bow, The Entertainment Industry's First "It" Girl, and St. Augustine of Hippo, one of the most important figureheads in Western Christianity)

So St. Augustine of Hippo says, "Why hasn't Jesus come back yet? According to Genesis, Armageddon should have already arrived. Any thoughts, Clara?"

So Clara Bow says, "My mother used to sneak behind me with a knife whispering that I was better off dead."

So Bill Kazmaier, three-time World's Strongest Man, says, "Why you so desperate for the world to end, Hippo?"

So St. Augustine of Hippo says, "The name's Augustine, noClara Bowt Hippo, Meathead."

So Bill Kazmaier, three-time World's Strongest Man, says, "You wanna go? I'll give you a beating so bad it'll open up a whole new concept of pain for you."

So St. Augustine of Hippo says, "That's it. I've got it."

So Clara Bow says, "So do I."

So St. Augustine of Hippo says, "You do?"

So Clara Bow says, "Yeah, I've always had 'it.'"

So St. Augustine of Hippo says, "Of course. God has a completely different concept of time. A day for him would be like 1000 years for us on Earth."

So Bill Kazmaier, three-time World's Strongest Man, says, "Who in their right mind would believe that nonsense."

So Clara Bow says, "The poor? The uneducated?"

A Day Without a Punchline

Mon, 8 May 2006 23:47:32 -0500

Chicago, IL- Hundreds of thousands of mostly Hispanic immigrants marched downtown Monday to protest proposed immigration laws that would make them felons. Mirrored in New York, Washington, Los Angeles, and other major US cities, the nationwide event was dubbed "A Day Without Immigrants" by organizers.
The economic effect was immediate. Businesses throughout the country were shut down with no workers available to clean floors, cook food, and work other low-paying jobs. Several major meat-packing plants were closed in Los Angeles. About half the farm workers stayed away from the fields in Florida. Hit worst of all was "comedian" Carlos Mencia. With no illegal immigrants around, Mencia had no material and had to shut down his Comedy Central show Mind of Mencia.

R.I.P. Fumblerooski

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 00:00:18 -0500

In light of http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/news/story?id=2407322 R.I.P. Fumblerooski (1895-2006) Eulogized by Michael Lucas Pasternak It is with great sadness that I report on the passing of a legend. The fumblerooski was murdered this week after an almost five decades long battle with football authorities. Following the lead of its more powerful big brothers and giving into supporters of all things boring, the football rules committee of The National Federation of State High School Associations pulled the plug on the fumblerooski. The National Football League banned the fumblerooski in 1960 and the NCAA did the same after the 1992 season. High School football was the last refuge to see the fumblerooski in organized league play. Also known as an "Offensive Linemen's Wet Dream", the fumblerooski is a trick play in which the quarterback places the ball on the ground after the snap and the offense deceptively runs the play like the quarterback still has the ball. An offensive linemen then picks up the ball and runs for his fat fucking life, huffing and puffing as the smaller, quicker defensive players realize that he has the ball. Beloved by players, coaches, and fans alike, the fumblerooski now only lives on in our memories and The Little Giants. The fumblerooski never married, but is survived by its nieces the Hail Mary and the Statue of Liberty and nephews the flea flicker and the double reverse.

Shows That Should Produced In The Wake Of Bonds On Bonds

Sat, 8 Apr 2006 16:29:21 -0500

Shows That Should Be Produced In The Wake Of Bonds On Bonds Snakes On a plane - Several snakes give insight to their favorite and not-so-favorite aspects of a Boeing 757. Snakes On Snakes on a Plane - Those same snakes reveal what it was like to work with Samuel L. Jackson. Cruise On Cruise - Tom Cruise is strapped to the top of a BGM-109 Tomahawk Cruise Missile which is launched into the side of a mountain no one particularly cares about. Portman On Knightly On McAdams – Hot! Hot! Hot! Your brain On drugs - Rachael Leigh Cook-ing up a storm in the kitchen. Fiddler On the roof - Musical home repair. Hooked On phonics- A documentary that follows kids with promise who end up mainlining reading. Sharks on Seacrest- Could probably only last one episode. Although the reruns of the tiger sharks ripping him from limb to limb would most likely receive record ratings. [Dino fact: Seacrest's hair is the only part of him that survives the vicious attacks.] Ravenous Dogs on Seacrest- Same basic principal, but with smaller teeth. Could go two seasons. [Dino fact: Ryan Seacrest himself wouldn't object to taking part in this show.] Seacrest on SeaQuest- Fire up the ol' time machine again, this time so Seacrest can guest star as Jonathan Brandis' older cousin who is tragically butted to death by Darwin the talking dolphin. [Dino fact: It is rumored that dolphins use this same technique to scare off and even kill sharks.] Dead man On campus - The lifeless remains of an ex-graduate are left in the middle of The Quad...Weekend at Bernie's-style wackiness ensues. Max On Max - From Conan? Still cracks me up. Coors Light On tap - $2.50 God On God - This would clear up what is becoming an increasingly volatile argument.

A Ridiculously Selfish Letter To Joakim Noah Begging Him To Stay in School

Sat, 8 Apr 2006 22:54:44 -0500

There is nothing new here. We all know how this works now. This is basically a form letter with only the names changing and a few of the details. I started years ago with A Ridiculously Selfish Letter to Mike Miller Begging Him to Stay in School and continued the groveling with A Ridiculously Selfish Letter to Rex Grossman Begging Him to Stay in School. Both attempts were obviously unsuccessful. I thought I would have more luck on my last attempt, but A Ridiculously Selfish Letter to Natalie Portman Begging Her for Sex had zero effect at best. I'm feeling the winds of change this time and they feel much like the winds of status quo. I now present the fourth in a continuing series, A Ridiculously Selfish Letter to Joakim Noah Begging Him to Stay in School Dear Joakim, I don't think I screwed that up. Writing your name is a lot easier than pronouncing it aloud. You don't know me personally, but my Gator Fan number is 485232, I park in row number Orange 68, and, like you, I was once enrolled in Growing Fruit for Fun and Profit. We are practically brothers. First of all, great run in the NCAA tournament. You were deservedly named the Most Outstanding Player. Your game was poetry in motion and your name rolling off of Billy Packer's tongue was the only thing keeping me from strangling him (plus about 1500 miles, but it was mostly the continuous praise of you and your game). I'm sure many people have already offered you advice about your future plans regarding the NBA and I'm also pretty sure than 99 percent of these people know you better than I do. All I'm asking you to do is completely ignore them and focus on me. Gator Fan number 485232 has a little advice of his own. Don't go. Sure the NBA is instant millions, but as McDreamy found out in the underrated 80's classic - money Can't Buy Me Love. Replace that Me with you and I'm making a point. It can't buy you love either. That movie can also teach you how to transform from geek to chic if you are interested. One thing money can buy you, however, is Can't Buy Me Love on DVD. It is only $14.99 on Amazon. You don't need the NBA buck to afford that. So to recap. Stay in school and watch Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love. Solid advice. I'm not going to lie to you. If you declare for the draft now you'll be a lottery pick. Sounds great, but here are two words that might make you think otherwise: Charlie Lang. Who is that you ask? Charlie Lang is a character played by Nicolas Cage in the underrated 90's classic It Could Happen to You. In that film, Charlie Lang wins the lottery and then finds out that money couldn't buy him love. Sound familiar? If I were you I would also pick it up on Amazon. Free shipping, a few laughs, and almost four hours of life lessons. If you take nothing from this letter watch these movies. Also stay in school. You are the man of the moment. Chris Leak is barely six feet tall. Stay in Gainesville and you will remain indisputably Big Man on Campus. The sports columnists have had nothing but kind words to write about you. Now take all those flattering quotes and replace the word sophomore with junior. Doesn't junior have such a nice ring to it? Perhaps another Championship ring. It could happen to you. Also it wasn't Sophomore who gut shot Tony Soprano. Just stay in school. It has occurred to me that you are barely 21 years old and Can't Buy Me Love came before your time. No worries. Nick Cannon remade the movie in 2003. Just add Love Don't Cost a Thing to that Amazon shopping cart. I feel like I have made my point. Good luck with what may seem like a tough decision. Follow your heart. Peace, Michael Lucas Pasternak P.S. Is there any way you can use your new fame to get Natalie Portman to contact me? Worth a shot.

Where Aren't They Now?

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 22:54:43 -0500

With their victory over Villanova Sunday, the 2005-06 University of Florida men's basketball team has locked up a spot in the Final Four. These Gators have done it with an extremely young team that plays with heart and grit reminiscent of the 1999-2000 Florida Gators. We loved those Gators. We'd also love to go in-depth and find out what each member of that miracle team is up to now, half a decade later, but that would most likely require research. So with that in mind, we give you "Where Aren't They Now?" a completely fabricated account of what has become of those Gators that won our hearts in the Spring of 2000.

*
Matt Bonner -After a stellar collegiate career at UF, Matt became the new face of Maybelline. Maybe he was born with it.
*
Adriel Davis - Adriel killed himself in 2002 when he realized he was named Adriel.
*
Teddy Dupay - Dupay graduated the University in 2003 with a degree in Marketing. He now runs and owns Dupay's Toupees. www.DupaysToupees.com.
*
LaDarius Halton - As the third leading scorer in the NBA, LaDarius or as he is known "Big D" drives a Ferrari.
*
Justin Hamilton - Justin is a staff writer on the hit Disney show Zoey 101 starring Jamie Lynn Spears.
*
Donell Harvey - Some people think that the River Dance craze is done. Donnel is not one of those people.
*
Udonis Haslem - Two words. Miami. Heat. Udonis lives in Miami where he is a Miami Heat season ticket holder.
*
Ronnie King - Presidential candidate Ronnie King is trailing in the latest polls.
*
David Kliewer - Who?
*
Mike Miller - Mike is set to replace Eric Stoltz as Rocky Dennis in the highly anticipated sequel Mask 2.
*
Brett Nelson - I don't know about now, but Brett used to work at Joe's Subs. This one is true.
*
Major Parker - Major is a private in the Columbian army.
*
Kenyan Weaks - Kenyan has not touched a basketball in three years while living in a biodome somewhere in Central America.
*
Brent Wright - Two words. Machete Wielder.

What Are You Wearing?

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 22:54:44 -0500

Oh how I love thee, Joan Rivers. You dare to ask the question on every single person's mind. It keeps me up at night tossing and turning not knowing who Lucy Liu is wearing to the Golden Globe Awards. But you take care of me. You cure my insomnia. You somehow know exactly what to ask and I know exactly what I want to ask you. Joan, if I may address you as such, how does it feel being the smartest person on television and possibly in the entire world?

Oh no. Now I've done it. I've crossed the line and disrespected Hollywood royalty. I'm so stupid, unworthy of even mentioning such an important figure in human history. Please don't make fun of me, Ms. Rivers. Don't unleash your hysterical biting humor at my expense. I am nobody. I am below you. Just one of your trademark zings will send me into convulsions of laughter as one glance at your aged skin will paralyze me with lust. I won't call you Joan again. You are Ms. Rivers. You are a Goddess. I love you.

This is the best time of the year for me. I don't only get to see you perfect your craft on the red carpet at the Golden Globes, but at the Grammy's and the Oscars as well. It is like I died and went to Heaven. I really don't know what I have done to deserve you. Ask it, Ms. Rivers. Ask away. Dish out your fashion advice. Ethan Hawke is underdressed for the occasion. He is within your comedic grasp. Do it for me. Get him. Kevin Costner isn't wearing a tie. All you. Billy Crystal looks like a penis. They are setting you up and you just knock them down. Woo. You must be tired. Can I massage your beautiful feet?

Ms. Rivers, I bow to you for you are my dream woman. You cure my insomnia, but you do so much more for me, Ms. Rivers. You invade my dreams at night. And unlike on the red carpets, you are the only star around. It is just you and me. In my dreams I ask the questions to you. Ms. Rivers, who are you wearing? And the answer is me. You are wearing me. You may have been the face of E!, but it is the next letter that always reminds me of you. I want to F you so bad.

I just threw up in my mouth.

TV Shows Whose Titles Are Entirely Misleading

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 22:54:43 -0500

The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis (1959-1963) - Seeing as how this show was entirely about Dobie, I would've preferred The Many Dobie Gillis' of The Loves. Mister Ed (1961-1966) - Not a Mister at all. This protagonist Ed is actually a horse. 60 Minutes (1968-present) - More like 42 minutes. The Electric Company (1971-1977) - If you're looking for in-depth analysis of conductors, ohm readings, and the billing habits of your local utilities company, you're in the wrong place. You're best bet would probably be to head down to The Pre-Kindergarten. Happy Days (1974-1984) - Were they really? The Facts of Life (1979-1988) - My father and I once had a little chat about the facts of life. The only consistent between the chat and the show was George Clooney. And Charlotte Rae. [Interesting Dino sidenote: This show was on nine years!] Charles in Charge (1984-1990) - Only when the folks weren't home and with plenty of help from Buddy. The Baby-Sitter's Club (1990) - Not so much a club as a group of friends with similar afterschool jobs. Wild and Crazy Kids (1990-1992) - Not the pre-teen Girls Gone Wild that one might think. Rich Skanks Traveling the Country Proving That They Don't Deserve A Penny of Their Inheritances By Failing to Complete Even The Most Menial of Tasks (2003-Present) - Now that name makes sense. The marketing geniuses at Fox went with The Simple Life instead. Two and a Half Men (2003-present) - Very misleading. Arrested Development (2003-????) - Nothing misleading, we just love the show. Best Week Ever (2004-Present) - Ehh. Just a typical week. Dancing/Skating with Celebrities (2005-2006) - Apparently dictionary.com and Fox don't agree on the definition of celebrity. Blowjob Queens (2008) - Not actually royalty. Also, not actually a show.

Careers One Is Still Capable of After Going Deaf at a Ted Leo Show

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 22:54:43 -0500

Marlee Matlin's
Indie Rock mime
Sycophant to Scott Stapp
Marketing Assistant
Former Major Leaguer Curtis Pride's
Grocery Bagger
Reprise Records Executive
The Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno's
"Stone Cold" Steve Austin fan
Data Entrant
Just another The War at Home viewer
Fluffer

When Your Hut's on Fire

Fri, 10 Mar 2006 22:54:43 -0500

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! ! How could you do this to me?" But then came a realization. He had read about a man in similar - nay - identical situation in one of those interoffice e-mails that blaze like wildfire through corporate inboxes a few years back. He remembered that in the e-mail the man who cursed God for burning down his hut was awakened the next morning by the sound of a rescue ship which had seen the smoke rising from the island. The fire was simply part of God's plan to rescue him. Thus, the man smirked to himself and thought how lucky he was to have God looking out for him even in the toughest of times. He even went so far as to run on the beach twice, being very careful the second time around to have his feet land in the same spot as before to create his own personal "Footsteps". He went to sleep that night happy, head in the cool sand, dreaming of his rescue and how God has a plan for everything and everyone. The next morning he awoke burnt from the morning sun with nary a ship in sight. The fire died and so did the man. Not that morning, but seven long, painful, bitter years later; Malnutrition, the culprit. The Moral of This Story: Don't get discouraged when things are going bad, not because God is at work in our lives - Are you nuts? He's way to busy for that - but because it can always be worse. So next time you're a little late to work and your boss gives you the business, or your three-year-old niece mistakes your laptop for a space-age potty, or the earbuds you bought from Apple's iStore for 40 bucks keep falling out remember that you could be stuck on a desert island dying an incredibly slow and painful death without shelter because God burned down your hut. Oh, and don't forward those e-mails. They only breed hope for all future castaways...and we all know how that ends.